"Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. So great is my veneration of the Bible that the earlier my children begin to read it, the more confident will be my hope that they will prove useful citizens of their country and respectful members of society."

-John Adams

"Of all the dispositions and habits which lead to political prosperity, religion and morality are indispensable supports. And let us with caution indulge the supposition that morality can be maintained without religion. Reason and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious principle."

-George Washington, Farewell Address

"Laws that forbid the carrying of arms disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to commit crimes. Such laws make things worse for the assaulted and better for the assailants; they serve rather to encourage than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man."

-Thomas Jefferson's "Commonplace Book," 1774-1776

"Those who are willing to sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither!"

-Benjamin Franklin

"Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters."

-Benjamin Franklin

"Political correctness is tyranny; tyranny with manners."

-Charlton Heston

Linux: Because rebooting is for adding hardware
Solaris: Because you don't need to reboot to add hardware
Windows: Because rebooting is for adding hardware, adding software, regularly scheduled downtime, and should also be done on a daily basis to keep the machine running.

"Windows has detected that you have moved your mouse. Please reboot this machine for changes to take effect. Restart now?"

"The best way to accelerate a win95 system is at 9.81 m/s^2"

"One world, one web, one program" -- Microsoft Ad Campaign
"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer" -- Nazi Ad Campaign

"She has a 108 I.Q., she reads at the fifth grade level, and her hair smells like Fruit Loops." "Yeah? Well I eat Fruit Loops for breakfast."

-Bart and Lisa Simpson

"The Kenyan government has formed a committee to investigate problems that may be caused by the so-called millennium bug -- but its final report is due to be published months after the much-prophesised collapse of non-compliant computer systems. ... The Daily Nation newspaper reported that the government formed the committee on October 19 and ordered a final report on the consequences of the millennium bug in 18 months time."

-from Duh-2000

"Some know me as...THE DARK GRAY TABLE CLOTH OF INIQUITY!!! It's really quite dark! The color, I mean. 'Dark Gray' is technically what it's called but it looks black. You wouldn't know the difference, probably."


"Then I shall unleash a firestorm of humility the likes of which the universe has never seen."

-Space Ghost, SGCTC

"Can I have your name please, love?" "Dawson. Rose Dawson."

-from Titanic

"I'll shoot you. I have a gun and everything."

-Ben Stiller, The Zero Effect

"If the show is too tightly constucted there's no room for God to appear. We try to give Him the option of showing up on certain nights"

-Bono, Chicago Tribune article, June 22, 1997

LETTERMAN: "What's the deal with the lemon?"
BONO: "Well, it could have been an artichoke, but we were looking for a practical fruit..."

-Late Night With David Letterman, June 10, 1997

"I'm troubled when an FBI van is stolen and weapons are taken and the FBI van is destroyed. That's troubling."

-Attorney General Janet Reno making yet another intelligent comment

"Clearly, if it is a spice rack, it is not a spice rack of the best ilk."

-David Foley, Kids in the Hall

"I shall never believe that God plays dice with the world."

-Albert Einstein

"I'd like to come back to more earthly things instead of tearing galaxies and solar systems apart and talk about merri-go-rounds"

-CMU Professor Curtis Meyer, Phys. Mech. II

"Hello, I'm Leonard Nemoy. The following tale of the alien encounters is true. And by true I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no. Our story begins on a Friday morning, in a little town called Springfield..."

-From a recent Simpsons episode

"It's a holiday filled with wonderful memories and mitre saws."

-From a Hechinger commercial

"Do customers ever change their requirements?" Ha, Ha, Ha! The only customers who don't change their requirements are dead customers."

-From the C++ FAQ list

"Our creative director said that the O2 machines had the warmth, and visual charm, of the classic American toaster. On the other hand, perhaps this wind tunnel testing stuff is becoming too widespread."

-Wistar Rinearson, on the look of the new Silicon Graphics O2

"I share the stage with the entire cast of Star Trek and Kenny G. Who's the nerd now?"

-some guy on the Star Trek 30th anniversary show

"The julia set needs to be just a wee bit more to the left."

-Adam Finkelstein, SIGGRAPH 96 notes

The flim is okie-dokie.

-The Swedish Chef, The Muppet Movie

The most enjoyable part of directing or filmmaking for me is editing. It is literally the language of filmmaking. Is is right there, and you learn constantly how dumb you are and how much you have to learn every time you take a picture into the cutting room.

-William Friedkin

Are you prepared to forsake the Western concept of place as a location defined by two crossed lines?

-Architect, Home

Wir setzen uns mit Tränen nieder
Und rufen dir im Grabe zu:
Ruhe santfe, santfe ruh!
Ruht, ihr ausgesognen Glieder!
Euer Grab und Leichenstein
Soll dem ängstlichen Gewissen
Ein bequemes Ruhekissen
Und der Seelen Ruhstatt sein.
Hochst vergnügt schlummern da die Augen ein.
( In tears of grief, dear Lord, we leave Thee.
Hearts cry to Thee, o Saviour dear.
Lie Thou softly, softly here.
Rest They worn and bruised body.
At Thy grave, o Jesus blest,
May the sinner, worn with weeping,
Comfort find in Thy dear keeping,
And the weary soul find rest.
Sleep in peace, sleep Thou in the Father's breast.

-No. 78 Chorus, St. Matthew Passion (BWV 244), J.S. Bach

Film is art.
Television is furniture.

"There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't."

-Phil, Groundhog Day

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.

-Ernie Kovacs

"Look, I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a girl he met in a restaraunt who then turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to a childhood lover who she'd last seen on a deserted island and who turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground."
"I know, it all sounds like some bad movie."

-Nick Rivers and Hillary Flamond, Top Secret

"We're gonna have to come in pretty low."
"Is that difficult, Ted?"
"Coming in low is part of every textbook approach. It's just something you have to do when you land."

-Ted Striker and Elaine in Airplane II

"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."

-David Letterman

"What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today!"

-Phil, Groundhog Day

1. At the rise of the hand of the policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him or otherwise disrespect him.
2. If pedestrian obstacle your path, tootle horn melodiously. If he continue to obstacle, tootle horn vigorously and utter vocal worning such as "Hi, Hi."
3. If wandering horse by roadside obstacle your path, beware that he do not take fright as you pass him. Go soothingly by, or stop by roadside till he pass away.
4. If road mope obstacle your path, refrain from pass on hill or round curve. Follow patiently till road arrive at straight level stretch. Then tootle horn melodiously and step on, passing at left and waving hand courteously to honorable road mope in passing.
5. Beware of greasy corner where lurk skid demon. Cease step on, approach slowly, round cautiously, resume step on gradually.

-from an official Japanese guide for English-speaking drivers, 1936

It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

-Sherlock Holmes, The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet, A. C. Doyle

"Time is God's way of keeping things from happening all at once."


If you don't have anything nice to say, you're probably at the Ice Capades.

-Yakko Warner

Just because you go through a lot of hammers each month doesn't necessarily mean you're a hard worker. It may just mean you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintainance.

-Jack Handey

A woman needs a man
Like a fish needs a bicycle.

-U2, Tryin' To Throw Your Arms Around The World

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis.

-Jack Handey

When you think of pasta just don't think "noodles". Think more than that. Think "sauce and noodles".

Uh...had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here...now...thank you. How are you?

-Han Solo, Star Wars

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it?

-Jack Handey

O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgements, and his ways past finding out!
For who hath known the mind of the Lord? or who hath been his counsellor?
Or who hath first given to him, and it shall be recompensed unto him again?
For of him, and through him, and to him, are all things: to whom be the glory for ever. Amen

Romans 11:33-36

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

-Jack Handey

Oh it's a big pretty white plane with red stripes and curtains in the window and wheels, it looks like a big Tylenol.

-Johnny, Airplane!

Bruce Sherwood Quote Page

  Michael J. Sherman     msherman@stealthboy.com