The a.p.t.e FAQ - Original Version (I don't like Loran's)

Archive-name: pave-the-earth
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-modified: 5-Aug-1994
Version: 1.1

Frequently Asked Questions for

As most people already know, the world is a big place. In the past there have been some meager attempts at paving by various governments. Such great things as interstates and freeways have been invented. However, in the future this simply will not do. The world must be covered with beautiful, black asphalt.

Section 1: the future of the earth

1.1 Why pave the earth?

There are several advantages of a paved Earth over a non-paved Earth, the only really important one is the ease of driving though. Today roads are narrow, you have to turn, and most governments frown at ground travel over Mach1. With endless blacktop in every direction, there will be no restriction to your movement, and rocket powered hypercars will whiz in all directions. We will be able to amuse ourselves with endless driving at incredible speeds while drinking beer and eating wonderfully juicy burgers.

1.2 Why asphalt?

Simply put, everything else sucks. Concrete is clearly unsuitable because of the seams that are needed for shrinking and swelling. As we are whizing around at tremendous speeds the seams in the concrete would create nasty sounds and unpleasant bumps. There are no other good driving surfaces.

There are of course several other benefits of asphalt, which include the depletion of natural resources and increase of pollution in the atmosphere. The depletion of natural resources is of course a noble goal. When faced with the fact that the earth only has so many things which can be procured, it is of course an enormous challenge to squeeze that last drop of oil out of the ground. It is, however, a task which we are ready for. We can prove once and for all that we are the masters of all. The goal of polluting has several benefits as well. Imagine cruising along one day and looking at the darkened sky and being able to say, "I made the sky what is today." You can take pride in that. The other benefits won't be mentioned now since they are too numerous; wait for future revisions of the FAQ for them.

1.3 What about traffic?

Traffic will not be a problem due to the simple fact that most people will be slaving away beneath the surface in what has come to be called the parking garage. These people will be needed to staff the hydroponic farms, raise cows, brew beer and fix potholes. Most of the world's population will work for the good of the drivers. Altruism at its best. There will also be no regulation of traffic. Governments are outmoded and should be phased out. We know what to do. Why should someone else tell us what to do when we already know the proper course of action? pave, Pave, PAVE. That's what I always say.

1.4 What about [your favorite big things], won't they get in the way?

Nothing will be in the way. Mountains will be levelled, oceans and seas will either be frozen or filled in and then paved over. Cities will all move underground into the parking garages. All that will be left is endless, smooth, black asphalt. One world, one people, one slab of asphalt.

Section 2: the future of other celestial objects

2.1 Are there any current plans dealing with the moon?

There are many plans on what might be done to the moon. The most commonly accepted course of action is to cover the moon with long thin strips of chrome. This will of course be mostly for decoration, but it will also have the added benefit of providing the equivalent of a giant street light in the sky. Other plans deal with AstroTurf(tm), floral wallpaper and other sorts of things that are used to cover other objects up.

2.2 What about the other planets?

The other planets really aren't that important since they aren't as visible from the earth. Sure, you may be able to pick out Jupiter or Venus in the sky some nights, but you would hardly be able to see a nice paisley pattern or anything.

2.3 Are there any plans for other solar systems?

Not yet. We're working on it, though. If some aliens were ever to discover the earth after it is paved they would no doubt be overcome by the sheer beauty and majesty of our creation. At this point, they would feel compelled to serve our needs and to carry out the paving of other planets. Other than that, the only plans that we have are to look for oil on other planets.

Section 3: that which does not fit anywhere else

3.1 Hey, when the earth is paved it'll be just great to skateboard on, won't it?

Well, maybe. I would strongly discourage anyone from trying to go skateboarding on the newly paved earth, due to the simple fact that they would be as good as roadkill very quickly. It is true that everything would be nice and smooth, but there would nothing to do grinds on or ollie over or anything, so it wouldn't be much fun anyway. You might as well just buy a hypercar and join the future.

3.2 Hey, cool. With a paved earth I'll be able to make tons of roadkill!

Not really. Think about it for just a minute or two. Ok, now the earth is completely paved. Can you tell me what the little critters are going to live on? There will be no plant life on the surface. Nothing will be on the surface except for us. It's quite simple, really. With nothing for the animals to eat, there will be no roadkill.

3.3 What about other stuff that I care about?

Get with it! Paving is the future. Just think about speed and lots of black asphalt. Try not to get carried away too much though.

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Version History version 1.1 - minor corrections of spelling and grammar (thanks to Pete Gontier).

Revision History: Last Updated 05/01/1998